I haven’t been online in a some time due to a number of events but the most hurtful of these has been the personal difficulties in my life that came to a head last week. It is a common one but I guess it hurts all the harder when you face a disability such as ME.
Six months ago, I met a most beautiful individual who had something special from the first time I met her. We just clicked. From the first date, we got on great, sharing a similar sense of humour, areas of interests and were able to talk for hours on end. As a shy introvert, I have never really been great on societal niceties but things were incredibly comfortable with this girl. After a few dates, I realised more and more that there might be long term potential with this person as she brought happiness to a life left devastated by ill-health. Of course, I kept my health problems to myself, resting as much as possible before going out and so on. By and large, I can confidently say it didn’t present a major obstacle in the development of the relationship which for many single people with this disorder can always present a fear or challenge. I always would have disclosed my disability at some stage but I rather let the other individual get to know me in the beginning as me, and not me in the context of ME.
I am effectively one of those emotional beings that yearns for a family and a settled life. Having been in a long term relationship that lasted over 4 years, I was with a kind angel of a partner. The only problem was that while I loved her, I simply couldn’t see us getting married etc. It was a case of almost there but not quite. Maybe some of you have been in that situation, it was a relationship of convenience but not bringing me much in terms of fulfillment. If any of you have every been in that situation, you may know what I write. I didn’t want to settle and ultimately chose to end this relationship in a very amicable way as I believe they should all be done with cordial healthy relationship.I have always tried to do things the right way given you cared and shared so much for that other partner. It was easier as we have never fought or had arguments.
Months and months later, I met this other girl. As said, we got on great and I could talk and laugh about anything that would come to mind. Our first date became date 2,3,4 etc until we were flat out a couple. I find love one of the greatest means of helping those who suffer with ill-health for many reasons, it both takes your mind off your own problems for some time and there are supports in place if the other partner knowns of your limitations. Let alone the happiness and romance that can lift the spirits associated with romantic companionship.
In my case, I chose to conceal my difficulties until I felt she would have an appreciation of who I am as a person, a human being and what I believe to be a kind loving soul. She was a bit of a commitment phobic, so meeting friends would have been a big deal etc. Though we eventually got to that stage. By and large, we got on great, discussing our lives and hopes and aspirations etc. Some red flags raised there head though in that she was never pushing to do things like go on a weekend break due to the “significance of what that would mean”. I put it down to her committment fear. After all, after only a few months, I was her 2nd longest relationship.
Calling in unexpectedly to her house recently when we were due to go to the cinema that evening was the beginning of the end. I work 10 mins away so figured I’d pop over to hers and could decide there what we’d go see etc But she was offended I would call in with so little notice and flat out refused to let me call in. I was shocked and said are we must be on different wavelenghts in terms of how we both view the relationship, I simply didn’t see what the big deal was when we were planning on doing something that evening. The thought that someone else might have been there hardly even crossed my mind. In anger, I said maybe we should just leave the cinema tonight but in the end met up. When meeting 30 mins later, I downplayed everything and didn’t want to make a mountain out of a molehill and we got on great at the cinema, holding hands and going for a long walk afterwards. We agreed we’d meet up early next week. That evening, I apologised for peace’s sake for the earlier conversation, She said we should discuss it but really liked me etc. 3 days later, I received a text telling me she wanted us to go our separate way, Ringing her, she said it was over the wed episode and how this must be part of my character to get worked up. We agreed we’d meet the next day but she cancelled and said she’d rather not me. Dumped by text and then no decency to at least meet me face to face for some form of closure. Despite multiple attempts at trying to determine genuinely what were the reasons, they suddenly began to change to “we were not suited” as far as she was concerned etc. “
For anyone who has experienced a true unexpected breakup, some may empathize that my world was shattered. I couldn’t explain it, we had been getting on so well, had recently taken her to a spa weekend in a lovely hotel and had plans to go to London together. There was never any signs of discontent until Wed, nor any fights. during this entire time. Her main concern was just taking things slow. We all seek reasons for the rejection but in the absence of any obvious signs, it is always difficult to move on. Honestly, they will likely never have specific reasons, they just fall out of love or realize you simply aren’t for them. Tough though when you felt the exact opposite which now makes me think was i completely deluded.
It truly is amazing how one person you love can just transform themselves overnight into a different person with no warmth or consideration for others with whom you’ve shared so many special moments in time with. I suspected someone else was involved due to the sudden shift in coldness and dramatic declaration but she denies the involvement of her ex or anyone else in coming to this decision. One can only assume this is true but I do have my doubts.
Regardless, a relationship that brought me such joy and with someone with whom I thought for the first time in my life really had the potential for something long term, is left in crumbles beneath my feet. For those that are single, the energy needed to try date and go out etc is so tiring and challenging so when you finally find someone you fall in love with, it is like a little reprieve from the card that God dealt us all with ME. It is hard to imagine returning to the dating cycle etc,
My motivation is gone at present, one’s self-esteem takes a knock, but time heals all things and hopefully I’ll be back to myself in due course. The issues are ultimately with the other person who chooses to focus on one or bad qualities and ignore all the good ones, but it doesn’t really make things all that much easier,
Tis a long rant and hope I haven’t bored too many of you, my situation is one of millions that occur all the time but like I said, it doesn’t ever really make it any easier.
If only there was a great cure for a broken heart!
Anyhow,
Till next time,
Dr RT
FATIGUE DOCTOR (THE LIFE OF A PHYSICIAN WITH CFS) 